Have you ever heard of the “45-degree rule” for anal sex? Well, not many people have. It’s certainly not given the attention it deserves. You can read dozens of articles on the best ways to enjoy anal sex and never hear the rule mentioned. Meanwhile, it’s essentially the key to enjoyable anal play for both men and women… well, besides lube. Always use lots and lots of lube during anal.

The 45-degree rule refers to the angle in which you are tilting a butt plug, anal beads, a dildo, or a penis inside the anus. It’s not this straightforward “stick it in your butt and go” kind of thing.

Like with all things in sex: It’s a bit more complex than that. If you want to take your butt play to the next level, unlocking erogenous zones you may not even know you had, start using the 45-degree rule ASAP.

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Ronald: Hi, I found your blog when I was searching Google for advice on my situation and it seems like you might be able to help me.

My wife and I enjoy anal sex often but she recently asked me if we can stop having vaginal sex because she doesn’t enjoy it as much as anal. Now I love anal, but I don’t want to stop using her pussy either.

She says vaginal hurts sometimes and is harder to get turned on by and she doesn’t orgasm from it as easily. What can I do so that she wants to do both? Or should I?

Thank you.

I would ask you to consider why you want vaginal. There are a number of different reasons some guys can struggle with the idea of going anal only.

• You feel denied a part of your wife and your sex life and see it as a sort of closing off herself to you in a way. Instead, recognize that it’s more of her opening up her most intimate and pleasurable part of herself to you fully and wanting to focus more fully on the thing you do together that give her the most pleasure.
• You fear that excluding an option for sex will result in less variety and make sex more boring. This is a common concern that doesn’t actually hold up in practice most of the time. Anything can become boring, but most often people become bored of vaginal all the time—because vaginal is inherently pretty boring compared to anal, and anal gives a lot of opportunities for other variety and fun things that you can do to mix things up—butt plugs, ass to mouth, double anal, developing pure anal orgasms, and much more.
• You think the preparation needed for anal will make sex less spontaneous. This can be solved with a bit of compromise—on your part, recognizing that it can take a little time and practice to get fully into the routine and that with practice there will be little preparation needed—and on her part, wearing butt plugs or using dildos in between having sex on a more regular basis, and establishing a daily cleaning routine in order to be ready for sex at any time.
• You think that vaginal sex is something couples need to do in order to be normal. This may not be a conscious thought that you have, but it may drive your concerns about going anal only. Often, people admit that they don’t enjoy vaginal as much as anal, but they still do it anyway because that’s what people do and that’s the “normal” way to have sex. The reality is, there is no normal. Do what works best for you. If you prefer anal and find you don’t actually like vaginal all that much, why waste time on it? Focus on what you do enjoy.

Ultimately, consider also whether your wanting vaginal is more important than her enjoyment. Vaginal isn’t as enjoyable for her as anal, and that’s actually not that uncommon for a lot of women, so her wanting to focus on anal, the thing that is more fun and pleasurable for her, makes a lot of sense.

I’d suggest giving it a try for a few months and see how it goes. In practice, you’ll most likely find that you don’t miss vaginal sex at all and will quickly recognize the many benefits of being anal only and of having a partner who is thoroughly pleased with the type of sex she’s getting.

So what makes a butt plug different than a dildo or vibrator? While there are many toys designed for anal use, a butt plug tends to have a couple distinguishing characteristics.

A plug is designed to go in and stay in for the duration of its use. While, theoretically, you could absolutely maneuver a plug in and out if you wanted to, folks tend to use dildos for the “in-and-out” sensation. That’s because plugs have a tapered shape that begins small at the top, becomes large in the middle, and tapers back down to a slim diameter at the neck of the toy right before the flared base at the bottom. The thin neck allows for the sphincter to close a bit more so that the plug can be retained inside the body and worn comfortably.

Unlike other anal toys, plugs can easily be worn over longer periods of time. Many people enjoy wearing them for the duration of their playtime, and some folks enjoy going out with a butt plug inserted all night. You can also opt to wear a plug for just a few moments.

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If you have a vagina, the odds are that you need clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. But there are some lucky people who report that they’ve achieved a less common type of climax: the near-mythical anal orgasm.

An anal orgasm is exactly what it sounds like — getting off by stimulating the anus. Most people associate anal orgasms with people who have penises, since they have a prostate (a gland located inside the anal canal that’s considered a “potent pleasure point”). But even though people with vaginas don’t have a prostate, sex experts and doctors say it’s possible for them to achieve an anal orgasm. After all, some women can come without their genitals being touched at all. So why write off the possibility of getting off from booty action?

Anal orgasms are possible for people with vaginas because of the anus’ proximity to the nerve endings of the vaginal wall and pelvic floor, says Evan Goldstein, DO, founder of Bespoke Surgical. By having butt sex, you can pleasure your vagina from indirect contact, he says. Not to mention, your anal opening and the inside of your butt are erogenous zones in and of themselves. Even if you don’t get off from anal play alone, the anus is a part of the body riddled with nerve endings that, when stimulated properly, can provide an array of sensual delights.

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Annabee: So I stumbled upon your blog. it has opening me up to a new world. When I was preteen-teen I touch my clit and it felt kinda good. but once I was 16 it started feeling awkward. so never really masturbated that much. when I did with my clit it just felt weird in a way that made me not want to touch myself. almost depressed so I just didn’t masturbate that much and I really only did cuz I thought it was weird that all my friends were talking about how great it felt and I was the complete opposite I thought I was weird. fast forward to now I’m 30 and happy to say a vaginal Virgin I just found your blog and I thought I’d give anal a try so I bought a toy and some warming lube. I’ve tried a few times but haven’t been able to orgasm yet. One thing I do love seeing and doing is ride my dildo and watch my close pussy in the mirror but Just thought I would share my story and also see if you had any suggestions to help me orgasm from just anal.

Thanks for sharing, and I’m glad that you have found the blog helpful and inspirational.

Regarding anal only orgasms, you can try some of the tips in this article on the subject. It can take some time for some people to get to the point where anal orgasms are easy, but it’s well worth it once you get there. Some also find it easier with a partner but more difficult when just masturbating.

If you don’t like clitoral stimulation, you may not prefer to go down this path, but some like or prefer combining clitoral stimulation with anal penetration.

Good luck! The more you explore anal, the more you’re going to love it.

Have you ever heard of anal fingering? It’s exactly what it sounds like — putting a finger (or several) into someone’s anus. And if you’re considering anal sex, anal fingering could be a logical first step. Even if you don’t want to move on to using a penis or dildo for anal, fingering can be erotic for anyone involved. Everyone’s anus has lots of nerve endings around the opening and inside that can feel good when they’re played with. But there are some ground rules you need to learn before you give it a try.

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A reader writes in to an advice column with a question about preferring anal sex:

I DON’T know what is wrong with me. I prefer to have anal sex to vaginal sex. My husband has started complaining that the quality of sex we have has gone down because of that. How can I make things better? — Worried.

This is a fairly common scenario, despite people often not realizing it or thinking there’s something wrong with them for preferring anal. The advice columnist responds:

While enjoying anal is evidently your preference and choice I would advise you to also consider your husband’s needs. He likes vaginal sex, you like anal sex — mix up the two. One round you can have anal the next vaginal or vice versa but just make sure you wash your sex organs before you engage in another type of penetration. It may be vaginal sex is never going to be your thing again. But if there are underlying reasons for avoiding it, exploring and addressing those is sensible, regardless of whether you want to ever have vaginal sex again.

You and your partner clearly need to work out together what feels nice for you, and you are certainly not unique in experiencing a sexual disconnection but it is important to find common ground before it’s too late. Talking to your man is also important as you have mentioned they are OK with anal because you like it, but he might prefer vaginal penetration. Being certain your partner is genuinely fine with anal sex is important, just to be sure they are not going along with it — like you do with vaginal sex.

Advising her to suffer through vaginal sex for his behalf isn’t the best solution. I would instead suggest that she communicate with her husband and see why he thinks sex isn’t as good with her preferring anal, and figure out how to address those concerns while sticking with anal.

While it is possible that he likes vaginal more, that’s a relatively uncommon position to hold once you’ve experienced good anal, so it’s possible that there are just things interfering with anal being as good as it could be for him. Often when discussing the difference, men will agree that it does feel better but complain that it might take more time to prepare for it, make it more difficult to have spontaneous sex, and require that they go slower. All these things can be done with more proactive preparation and training and an increase in the frequency of anal sex. It truly is a scenario where more is better.

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A common thing, possibly even more common than people already actively practicing anal only, is for someone to prefer anal sex to the point that it dominates a majority of their sexual activity. This isn’t at all surprising—when done properly, anal is consistently more pleasurable, enjoyable, exciting and intimate than vaginal sex, and among women who have regularly done both, most say they prefer anal.

But even still, many don’t take the final step to move past vaginal for good and decide to focus purely on anal going forward. Some simply haven’t considered the idea yet. Some feel they still need to have vaginal sex occasionally for some vague, undefined reason, or some sort of rejection of their femininity to not do it. Some think they still want or need it on occasion, or have a partner who does.

The reality is that anal only people and couples are consistently happier and more satisfied with their sex lives and find that excluding vaginal and focusing entirely on the anal pleasure that they prefer amplifies and improves everything and makes it more fun.

If you prefer anal, you owe it to yourself to try going anal only. You don’t have to commit to it fully up front, just try it for a few months at first and see what you think about it after that. Chances are you’ll find that you don’t miss vaginal at all and that you’ve enjoyed being anal only and want to stay that way.

While this article on Refinery29 covers a lot of topics many who already have experience with anal sex will already know, it’s good to see the increasingly mainstream coverage of anal sex and more importantly, the fact that it’s very popular and very pleasurable and that people should know all about it in order to be able to best enjoy it for themselves.

It’s no secret that anal sex is becoming more and more popular — and for good reason. If done right, anal sex can be can great way to stimulate a major pleasure point. For people with penises, that’s the prostate, a gland located a few inches inside the anus. For people with vaginas, that’s the “anterior fornix erogenous zone,” aka the A-spot — a sensitive area of the internal part of the clitoris that is indirectly stimulated during anal sex.

While some simply don’t like the feeling of anal sex, many people love it. But if you try anal sex and it’s painful — instead of simply uncomfortable or not your thing — should you be worried? We talked to Jennifer Driver, sex educator and State Policy Director at the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS), to find out.

An assortment of small tips follow, and the article concludes with this excellent point:

“The best way to ensure that anal sex is pleasurable and painless is to focus on communicating effectively with your partner,” Driver says. “Having patience and clearly identifying what might feel good and what might not feel good are vital for ensuring any healthy, enjoyable sexual activity.”

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Anonymous: Thanks for the answer! Just to make it clear I didn’t mean “lure” as in “trick”, it was more like “convincing in a challenging an exciting way” and making her feel “part of something” (she already know about my other subs and is okay with that, it’s a whole new world for her and she’s the one who came to me proposing to give anything a try). My fault for not having English as a mother tongue!

Fair enough. So long as she’s consenting and open to and eager about the process and everything involved, then that’s great.

I think focusing primarily on anal is a great idea, and only doing vaginal on rare occasions if she is particularly desperate for it, and reducing the frequency of vaginal over time. Ultimately it all comes down to how she does with just anal and whether she really needs vaginal or does just fine with clit stimulation + anal, etc. If she doesn’t actually need vaginal penetration and enjoys frequent anal, there may not be much reason to continue with vaginal at all.

Everyone is different, so there isn’t any universal answer that works best for everyone. Find something that works for the two of you and work from there.