Message: Anal Dilemma

Ronald: Hi, I found your blog when I was searching Google for advice on my situation and it seems like you might be able to help me.

My wife and I enjoy anal sex often but she recently asked me if we can stop having vaginal sex because she doesn’t enjoy it as much as anal. Now I love anal, but I don’t want to stop using her pussy either.

She says vaginal hurts sometimes and is harder to get turned on by and she doesn’t orgasm from it as easily. What can I do so that she wants to do both? Or should I?

Thank you.

I would ask you to consider why you want vaginal. There are a number of different reasons some guys can struggle with the idea of going anal only.

  • You feel denied a part of your wife and your sex life and see it as a sort of closing off herself to you in a way. Instead, recognize that it’s more of her opening up her most intimate and pleasurable part of herself to you fully and wanting to focus more fully on the thing you do together that give her the most pleasure.
  • You fear that excluding an option for sex will result in less variety and make sex more boring. This is a common concern that doesn’t actually hold up in practice most of the time. Anything can become boring, but most often people become bored of vaginal all the time—because vaginal is inherently pretty boring compared to anal, and anal gives a lot of opportunities for other variety and fun things that you can do to mix things up—butt plugs, ass to mouth, double anal, developing pure anal orgasms, and much more.
  • You think the preparation needed for anal will make sex less spontaneous. This can be solved with a bit of compromise—on your part, recognizing that it can take a little time and practice to get fully into the routine and that with practice there will be little preparation needed—and on her part, wearing butt plugs or using dildos in between having sex on a more regular basis, and establishing a daily cleaning routine in order to be ready for sex at any time.
  • You think that vaginal sex is something couples need to do in order to be normal. This may not be a conscious thought that you have, but it may drive your concerns about going anal only. Often, people admit that they don’t enjoy vaginal as much as anal, but they still do it anyway because that’s what people do and that’s the “normal” way to have sex. The reality is, there is no normal. Do what works best for you. If you prefer anal and find you don’t actually like vaginal all that much, why waste time on it? Focus on what you do enjoy.

Ultimately, consider also whether your wanting vaginal is more important than her enjoyment. Vaginal isn’t as enjoyable for her as anal, and that’s actually not that uncommon for a lot of women, so her wanting to focus on anal, the thing that is more fun and pleasurable for her, makes a lot of sense.

I’d suggest giving it a try for a few months and see how it goes. In practice, you’ll most likely find that you don’t miss vaginal sex at all and will quickly recognize the many benefits of being anal only and of having a partner who is thoroughly pleased with the type of sex she’s getting.

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