Message: Stay With Partner Who Doesn’t Want Anal?
Anonymous: I’ve been lurking here for a while and finally decided to jump in because this place gave me the courage to speak up and maybe get some real advice.
I’m almost 30, pretty sexually experienced and adventurous. I’m currently in a relationship — stable, grown-up, and organized, just like I wanted. Before this, I was all over the place: multiple boyfriends, threesomes, and somewhere along the way, I discovered my absolute passion for anal sex. It’s become my biggest turn-on.
Now, here’s the thing. My boyfriend is super wealthy and spoils me in every way except in bed. He’s mostly into oral and vaginal, and no matter how much I try, he’s just not into anal. I’ve even tried to get him to experiment with it, but no luck. Meanwhile, I find myself masturbating to anal-heavy porn, recently even mostly double anal scenes — those drive me wild. I even catch myself daydreaming about being in those scenes, completely taken and stretched, and it’s honestly the hottest thing I can imagine. What’s wrong with me?
I’m seriously craving an anal-only sex life, but how do you convince him to open up to that? I’ve tried everything I can think of, but he’s just not there. And forget about double anal or group stuff — I don’t even know how to bring that up without killing the mood or freaking him out. Am I crazy for wanting this so badly? Should I just accept a stable but kind of boring sex life? Or… is it okay to explore this behind his back if he won’t meet me halfway? How do you balance wanting wild, kinky sex with wanting a steady relationship? Has anyone been stuck in this spot and figured out a way to have both? Or should I just end the relationship and look for what truly makes me happy?
I’m really torn and could use some honest advice.
Thank you for being so open. What you’re feeling isn’t “wrong” — it’s deeply human. It’s okay to crave more than what you’re currently getting, especially when you’ve discovered a part of your sexuality that brings you such intense, personal pleasure. Anal, and particularly anal only, can be deeply affirming, and wanting to share that with your partner isn’t selfish — it’s a desire for intimacy, connection, and mutual expression.
At the same time, your partner’s disinterest isn’t a personal failure either. People have limits and preferences, and while those can sometimes shift, they don’t always. The tough part is realizing that compatibility in a relationship isn’t just emotional or practical — it’s sexual too. And when there’s a deep mismatch, especially on something you’re passionate about, it can create a quiet ache over time, even if everything else seems stable.
You’re not crazy for wanting double anal or group sex, or even for fantasizing about it. You’re not broken. You’re a sexual person with vivid and evolving desires — that’s normal. But no matter how strong the craving, going behind your partner’s back isn’t the right move. It might offer a thrill, but at the cost of trust and long-term peace of mind. That doesn’t mean you’re trapped either. It just means the choice you make should come from clarity, not desperation.
If you haven’t already, try having an open, pressure-free conversation with your boyfriend. Not just about anal, but about what arousal means for you now — how it’s become core to your sense of self. He may not be willing to join you fully, but if he loves you, he’ll listen.
If he still can’t or won’t meet you partway — even just with a toy in a low-pressure setting — then you have to ask yourself: Is staying with him more important than living as your full sexual self? That’s not a decision anyone else can make for you.