Article: I prefer to have anal sex to vaginal sex

A reader writes in to an advice column with a question about preferring anal sex:

I DON’T know what is wrong with me. I prefer to have anal sex to vaginal sex. My husband has started complaining that the quality of sex we have has gone down because of that. How can I make things better? — Worried.

This is a fairly common scenario, despite people often not realizing it or thinking there’s something wrong with them for preferring anal. The advice columnist responds:

While enjoying anal is evidently your preference and choice I would advise you to also consider your husband’s needs. He likes vaginal sex, you like anal sex — mix up the two. One round you can have anal the next vaginal or vice versa but just make sure you wash your sex organs before you engage in another type of penetration. It may be vaginal sex is never going to be your thing again. But if there are underlying reasons for avoiding it, exploring and addressing those is sensible, regardless of whether you want to ever have vaginal sex again.

You and your partner clearly need to work out together what feels nice for you, and you are certainly not unique in experiencing a sexual disconnection but it is important to find common ground before it’s too late. Talking to your man is also important as you have mentioned they are OK with anal because you like it, but he might prefer vaginal penetration. Being certain your partner is genuinely fine with anal sex is important, just to be sure they are not going along with it — like you do with vaginal sex.

Advising her to suffer through vaginal sex for his behalf isn’t the best solution. I would instead suggest that she communicate with her husband and see why he thinks sex isn’t as good with her preferring anal, and figure out how to address those concerns while sticking with anal.

While it is possible that he likes vaginal more, that’s a relatively uncommon position to hold once you’ve experienced good anal, so it’s possible that there are just things interfering with anal being as good as it could be for him. Often when discussing the difference, men will agree that it does feel better but complain that it might take more time to prepare for it, make it more difficult to have spontaneous sex, and require that they go slower. All these things can be done with more proactive preparation and training and an increase in the frequency of anal sex. It truly is a scenario where more is better.

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