There’s a difference between the question of whether anal sex can be romantic and whether anal sex is romantic for me. Although I personally don’t find anal sex romantic or desirable, I have no difficulty acknowledging that for some people, it can be very romantic. Like most things in life, romance is subjective.

Why not? Romance means different things to different people. As long as we are talking about consenting adults where everyone’s needs are being met and everyone’s boundaries are being respected, anything goes. Not everyone enjoys anal sex or finds it romantic, but not everyone enjoys a box of chocolates and a bouquet of roses either.

Romance is not reserved for the vagina. Besides, not everyone has a vagina anyway, and not everyone wants one either, and that’s wonderful. Society is finally approaching a point where we realize that sex and romance is about more than inserting Tab A into Slot B, where “Tab A” equals the penis, and “Slot B” is the vagina.

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Anonymous: My girlfriend and I have been talking about going anal only lately and we have some questions. We both like the idea of it, and she might honestly want it even more than me, but we want to make sure that we can do it safely and sustainably.

We do anal probably 85% of the time or more right now but sometimes she gets sore or doesn’t feel up to doing it and that’s when we do vaginal just as a backup but it isn’t what we like doing. But if we go anal only, what do we do in those situations?

We’ve noticed that when we have anal every day she stays more relaxed, does this mean she’s getting looser and will that cause any problems later?

Thanks for any advice you can give.

First of all, if you’re considering going anal only, I say go for it and give it a try. The best way to determine if it’s really for you is to just dive in and do it. Give yourself a month or two challenge to commit to it at first, and that will let you see what it’s really like and time to work out any particular issues. And then by the end of that trial period, decide if you want to extend it further, or just commit to it long term from there.

As for those times that soreness or preparation keep her from wanting to do anal, you’ll find as you shift to only doing anal that soreness generally goes away pretty quickly and as anal becomes something you do every time, her body will adjust to it and generally stop being sore even if it’s something you do daily. When she doesn’t feel well or has digestion issues that get in the way of doing anal, taking a break for a day or so to focus on oral instead can serve as a viable substitute instead of vaginal.

Her staying more relaxed when doing anal daily is actually what I was talking about above, and how it will keep her from getting sore as easily. Relaxed anal muscles don’t mean she’s getting loose, it just means she’s staying relaxed and warmed up due to more regularly using those muscles. It’s not a health concern, it’s actually keeping her safer by always being warmed up and ready for sex and so less prone to injury.

It sounds like you’re in the perfect place to shift to anal only, you just need to make that last jump now. Good luck!

Anonymous: My experiences might be a little different, but in my personal experience, I got so much hate from most women for preferring anal as my own choice while most men either don’t care or don’t judge girls who prefer anal or are anal-only. It’s sad that they think girls like me love anal for male approval when it’s not the case. Anal sex is slowly becoming accepted by people who have positive and proper anal experience, even if it’s not for everyone, and that’s okay. Unfortunately, there are still people holding themselves back with anal myths and taboos that prevented them for wanting to give anal sex a try. Even on Twitter, I, a female, felt uncomfortable due to tons of hateful speech about non-vaginal sex.

The wise lesson says that vaginal sex is for getting babies, however, anal sex is for good and strong never-ending pleasure. Idk if there are girls that have the same thoughts as me, but I would love to talk about my love for anal in safe space without getting backlash.

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had negative interactions with other women about anal sex. I think that sort of reaction usually comes out of myths, as you noted, which are generally driven by bad experiences they have had or heard about from friends. Sometimes it becomes almost a meme where it gets passed around from friend to friend without anyone knowing where it even originated or how it started, but keeping people from trying anal for themselves as a result. There’s where more people being open and positive about anal and how good it actually is for them, and why, helps to slowly combat that problem and starts to create a positive meme about anal and puts the idea of it being a good, enjoyable, pleasurable thing into the social consciousness.

As far as a safe space for anal positivity and discussion, this community is certainly intended for that purpose—between the forum, the Discord server, and this blog, you are likely to interact with a lot of people who share an interest in and love of anal sex. If you aren’t already a member, I’d encourage joining in and talking with other people in the community.

For the longest time, the representation of anal in porn was centered around the idea of it being something that guys wanted, girls rarely did, and when they did it, they would suffer through it and dislike it but do it for their guys. This gave many people the impression that that’s what anal was like in the real world, despite the fact that most of the porn actors in such scenes actually enjoyed anal and were pretending that it hurt or they disliked it. The result was a lot of women with no interest in even trying it, based on that false perception, combined with other myths and persistent ideas based on bad experiences of friends.

In the past decade, porn has generally shifted to a much more positive portrayal of anal sex and pleasure, focusing on the fact that women can and do in fact very much enjoy it, and can get a lot of pleasure from it. This is a good change, for sure, and has turned on a lot more people to the idea, encouraging them to try it for themselves to see if the same is true for them, resulting in a rapidly growing interest in and practice of anal sex by people in their regular sex lives.

More recently, however, a new trend has formed on Tumblr and Bdsmlr and other similar platforms, where a large quantity of the content and captions relating to anal sex and the anal only lifestyle are from a one-sided, misogynistic, “male pleasure is all that matters” perspective, and often focus on the idea that it’s not enjoyable or is even actively painful or harmful to women, and pushes that idea hard as a positive thing. Now, there certainly is a place for that as a kink, but it’s been unfortunate to see it become the predominant focus of porn focusing on anal only, and shift the general tone of AO in porn away from mutual enjoyment and positivity to this.

It’s a trend I’d like to see change, and I hope to see more blogs show up that focus on pleasure and enjoyment by women instead.

According to a 2012 study by Indiana University, more people are having anal sex. While the 1990s only saw roughly one-quarter to one-third of men and women having tried anal, by 2009 that percentage had jumped to 40 to 45 percent. But while that may the case, anal sex is still, as Salon reported in 2012 “Science’s Last Taboo.” We know that some people are having it, but it’s not very likely that people are willing to talk about it. Somewhere between the poop rumors and the embarrassment of liking butt stuff, people go mum.

But, as is the case with sex in general, anal shouldn’t be a source of shame. Ever. If you like anal sex, you’re not the first or the last one to do so. Both men and women the world over enjoy anal play because it can be very pleasurable when done correctly. Although that’s a fact and I can find you easily a dozen women in the next 10 minutes who agree, anal sex has yet to really be embraced by the sexual mainstream. It’s on its way there, but it’s still inching along very slowly.

The article then goes on to list six benefits of anal sex and why you should be doing it if you aren’t already.

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If you’ve followed us for a while, you’re probably familiar with our Guide to Anal Sex and the Anal Only Lifestyle, which has been a part of this website for the past year since moving off Tumblr.

It’s always going to be a freely available resource as part of this blog for those who want to learn more about anal sex and the anal only lifestyle, but I’m happy to announce that you can also purchase it in an ebook format through Amazon as well, if that’s how you prefer to do your reading!

It can be a good resource if you’re just getting started, and it can make a good gift for friends who might be interested in anal or going anal only. Either way, it helps support this blog and the greater anal only community.

And, if you’re looking for another way to support the anal only community, consider becoming a Patron!

So you want to try anal sex, but you’re freaked out by the probably inevitable reality of poop. That’s totally understandable, it’s something that can be present during anal sex, and it’s not exactly glamourous. But rest assured that it’s not usually that big of a deal. “A common source of trepidation about anal is that it’s dirty or messy due to the proximity of the anus to fecal matter, but this tends to be an overemphasized concern,” Dulcinea Pitagora, a sex therapist known as the Kink Doctor, previously told Refinery29. In Pitagora’s opinion, the repulsion factor of anal goes beyond the hygiene concerns and taps into our culture’s obsession with hiding body fluids and odors. So what if some ends up on the condom? Sex is messy. It might just be something you have to deal with if you’re interested in anal. But still, the presence of this unwelcome guest happens less often than you’d think.

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Much of the content on this blog is oriented to women, or those who receive anal sex. But just as important are those who are giving anal sex to their partners—if they aren’t interested in being anal only or feel they still need vaginal sex, it’s hard to make an anal only lifestyle work very well!

In fact, when asked why they haven’t gone anal only women yet, women interested in the lifestyle often answer that if it were up to them, they would, but that their partners still want to have vaginal sex some of the time. Seems surprising, right? The conventional wisdom is that men all want anal sex and that it’s women who don’t, but the reality often is that many women are more open to anal and even to going anal only, but their male partners are more sexually conservative or just think that they’ll miss something or be limited by excluding vaginal as an option.

The reality is that while everyone is different, most people find that after going anal only for a while, they don’t actually miss pussy much. Anal offers all the pleasure and more, combined with increased aesthetic appeal, stronger intimacy, plenty of opportunities for fun variety, and unique benefits like natural birth control. Unlike vaginal, anal is something that gets more fun the more you do it and done right, never gets boring. Anal only couples often talk about how before they went anal only, sex had gotten boring, but now even decades after going anal only, it still has a strong spark that excites them.

Other common concerns include hygiene and the need for preparation before sex. With some simple dietary adjustments and a basic cleaning routine, the former is fairly well mitigated, and preparation can be kept fairly minimal as well with a frequent anal play and sex routine as well as the use of butt plugs. Most such complaints result from having too little anal sex, not from having it more often.

Give it a try for yourself and find out: go anal only for a month or two and commit fully to the experience while you’re in it: you’ll see before long that giving up vaginal sex and going anal only is well worth the initial effort.

Max & Nata: So, my wife and I are both 32, we’ve been married for 4 years, and about a year ago we have arrived to an unspoken arrangement that I only fist her pussy and I only fuck her ass (don’t know if this counts as anal only lol, but we’re both happy with that). She loves being fisted and says it’s the best thing ever – she also loves anal, and we do about 50/50 between these two (we also do oral, spanking etc., but we almost always finish with either anal or fisting, or both).

I’ve lately been trying to talk to her about anal fisting, as it’s something that is interesting to try – but she only said “maybe later” and was pretty elusive about it in general. I think it’s obvious that she’s a bit scared. She also says she doesn’t love fingers up her ass as much as she loves my dick and toys in there, because fingers don’t go as deep as she wants. She has some toys to use up her ass, and she uses buttplugs when I fist her — we recently bought another one that’s bigger than my penis in width.

The question is – should I be persistent with trying anal fisting, or maybe leave it as it is? Obviously I don’t want to do anything that she doesn’t want, but maybe there are some arguments I’m missing that can help convince her to try? Or maybe it’s I who’s missing something and should be happy with what I have?

Also, other thing with that is that she’s worried about is that if we do a lot of anal fisting, her ass can become stretched out and not as tight as it is now (her pussy being loose was one of the reasons we switched to anal only). To be completely honest, this concerns me a bit as well.

So, if you have any tips or comments, or experience to share about anal fisting, we’d be happy and grateful to hear it (she knows about this post and she will read the answer too). Maybe there’s a way we can work towards it without using fingers too much?

Thanks a lot for your blog and for the answer. Sorry if my English is a bit weird, not my primary language.

First of all, “anal only” means a variety of different things for a lot of different people, but the fundamental element is that you don’t have vaginal intercourse and have fully replaced it with anal. There are those who still use toys or other forms of vaginal penetration but who identify as anal only, so I think if being anal only is something that appeals to you, you can consider your arrangement to fit within that definition. I think there can be some additional benefits to going fully anal only for some people, and generally encourage at least trying that too, but everyone is different and different things work for different people.

As for wanting to try anal fisting, it sounds like she’s expressed some of her concerns already. Are those her only hesitations, or does she have others as well?

Not liking fingering as much as sex is not uncommon, but fisting is different from fingering and provides much more of a stretch and can go deeper as well, so I would encourage her to think of them as different things and not to write off anal fisting just because she doesn’t like fingers on their own as much. It’s an entirely different experience.

Fear of stretching and becoming loose is a common concern that isn’t that rooted in reality. Injury can cause muscles to become weaker, but “stretching” anal muscles is actually exercising them and frequent use can help them become stronger. What people equate with being loose is actually an increased elasticity that allows them to expand larger, but they still stay tight and closed when not in use. There may be short term looseness after for a few hours, but things tend to return to normal quickly. And even the increased elasticity is not something that happens overnight, so it’s something that you can start to explore and see how it progresses for the both of you. Chances are you’ll both find that it does not negatively affect your enjoyment of sex at all. Exercises like kegels can also help to further strengthen and “tighten” anal muscles.

But if she’s also just afraid of trying it, why not sit down and talk about it together and discuss her fears and concerns and whether she’s interested despite being afraid and what you can do to help relieve some of those fears. Remind her of how rewarding vaginal fisting ended up being for her and with the pleasure and intensity of anal how great it could end up being as well.

Good luck to the both of you!

So you want to try anal sex. That’s great! Anal play can be lots of fun — if you’re ready for it. Unlike other types of sex, which most people can fumble their way through when they don’t have much experience, anal sex takes some research. (And, to be clear, it’s always better to think and talk through any new sexual experience before you try it with a partner).

But you can’t just slide into anal sex (unless you’re using plenty of lube…but more on that later). If you don’t know what you’re doing and you aren’t careful, you could hurt yourself or your partner because the anus is sensitive. “Contrary to what many believe, anal sex does not have to be painful (unless people engaging in it want it to be),” says Dulcinea Pitagora, a sex therapist known as the Kink Doctor. So before you give anal a try, read our tips about how to prep, both physically and mentally.

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