I like anal sex. There. I said it. No, I love it. My friends think that is completely weird and gross. But dare I say I like it as much if not more than regular sex. My husband Chris though. Hates it. All my friends tell me how their husbands essentially beg them to have anal and they hate it and here I am with the husband who isn’t interested in anal at all. It’s too messy, he says. Too complicated or something. And it kind of annoys me that he won’t satisfy me in that way once in a while.

Chris is a great husband. I love the guy. And we used to have anal about twice a month when we were first together. I’ve always been a huge fan of butt play — dildos, fingers, vibrators. But I had never had anal sex until I met Chris. I always thought he was into it, too, until one day he said no to it. Then the next time, he said no again. And that trend continued. When I asked him about it he told me that he didn’t like it, that it felt too planned, too much worrying about the clean-up, mostly because he can’t come from anal, so we usually have vaginal sex after that but he has to clean his penis before we can do that.

We’ve tried starting off with vaginal but then he can’t get hard enough for what is essentially round two of anal. And I want anal! I feel like I just said anal a million times, but I’m not sure how to handle this situation and mostly I feel really alone. I can’t be the only woman out there who likes to have anal sex, can I?

I also feel like I do things I don’t particularly love to do for my husband — namely blowjobs — to make him sexually happy. Why can’t he do this for me?

This is an all-too-common complaint, sadly, and which really reveals the truth to the myth that all men want anal and all women try to resist it. The reality is that some men and women love it, and some don’t. And not everyone always ends up with a partner who shares that love, regardless of gender.

However, many of these particular complaints can be resolved. If he thinks it’s too dirty or is worried about cleanup, some dietary changes and taking care of any hygiene needs in advance of having anal sex can ensure it nearly always stays clean. (Of course, there’s always a chance it can get messy, and that’s just a risk you take with anal sex.)

The same applies to his concern for it feeling too planned. In addition to cleaning in advance of having anal sex, wearing a butt plug or masturbating anally regularly throughout the week between having sex will make the amount of preparation and warmup much less than it otherwise would be.

When one partner really wants anal and the other is hesitant, the partner who wants it should do everything they can to make things as painless as possible (both literally and metaphorically) for their partner.

His inability to orgasm from anal is a bit more uncommon, and it seems likely that it’d be the result of his mentality towards and attitude about anal sex rather than physical stimulation, since anal quite often feels far more pleasurable for men than vaginal does. If he resents doing anal, he may not be able to get in the headspace to be able to enjoy it and feel an orgasm grow. Unfortunately, if it is physical rather than mental, there isn’t enough information in this article to be able to determine the cause and offer suggestions.

I hope they were able to work through their differences surrounding and that she’s now able to enjoy the frequent anal sex she needs and deserves.

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My wife is the type that gets very submissive when she is very horny. So one day I asked for anal and she said yes. We tried it right then and there and she orgasmed. I’m a little girthy, so I just got a little more than the head in. It was great for both, but she doesn’t seem to want to prep for it. I don’t want to hurt her so we use tons of lube, and I give her full control of depth and motion, but I eventually want go deeper. I’m just not sure its will be possible without doing typical anal prep (fingering, plugs, etc), which she isn’t too keen on. Its like she only wants it when she’s fuck-drunk.

He gets some good responses, but I’m going to give my perspective as well, as this is something I’ve occasionally encountered myself: a woman who wants anal but doesn’t want to masturbate or train for it. In a later response, he mentions that they’ve at times had vaginal sex while he fingers her ass or wears a butt plug, and she’s okay with that, but it doesn’t lead to anal sex in the moment.

That is the approach I would take going forward—combining anal play with other sexual activity she already enjoys, and through that combination helping build her desire for anal sex more frequently while also helping to train her ass to get used to more frequent penetration and use sexually. The more often she does that, the more she will open up to doing anal play as the primary act, and will be more ready for when she does want anal sex, which she’ll in turn get more comfortable with doing and want more frequently as well.

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Anonymous: Hi! I was thinking to myself: can I girl evolve her anal sex sex skills to the point of no longer needing any kind of foreplay? Can a woman become a anal sex machine? Perhaps it’s a stupid question, but I’m curious.

Thank you for reading. Love your blog.

Everyone is different and may have different needs, and conditions can change even day-to-day sometimes, but in general it’s certainly possible for people to get to the point where they need little to no warmup before having anal sex. There are those who just need a dab of lube and they’re good to go.

This is most commonly achieved by maintaining a regular schedule of frequent anal sex, masturbating with a dildo on days you aren’t able to have anal sex, and wearing a butt plug in between. The frequent use keeps your anal muscles in a warmed up state and more or less eliminates the need to warm up in advance of having sex. The regular practice also helps you develop more conscious anal muscle control and learn how to relax them more easily without needing to warm up beforehand. Doing anal exercises (like kegels but with your ass) can help with this, as well as practicing pushing out during anal penetration, which helps relax and open up your ass to the penetrating object.

However, even to an “anal sex machine”, to use your phrase, if they go a while without any anal penetration, they’ll need to work through a warmup period again to get back into things. It takes less time, though, after you’re already experienced, and is a bit like riding a bicycle.

Buttlyn: Ok. This is the second message I send to the blog and I hope you answer it too.

I’m the brazilian girl who had a broken pussy and a anal addicted boyfriend (nowadays my husband), but wanted to try v****** “sex”. It’s improbable that you remember, but ok. Here I go.

I have a soft brain palsy what made almost every muscle of mine more rigid than normal, including my butthole. It sucks.

At this point, I suppose that you already can guess what my problem is. Yeah, I discovered that’s the reason why I can’t be penetrated in my wronghole. But it also disturbs my pleasure while doing anal.

I don’t want to fuck using a anesthetic lube or this kind of shit, but I cannot train my butthole’s endurance because I have no control over it. Sometimes I watch those porn girls doing huge insertions, fisting and hatefuck and I feel like crying, full of envy. I feel myself impotent, like I’m not enough, like I’ll never become a more-than-good buttslut to my husband. My ass does not even loose up if I’m not rubbing my clit, and I cannot masturbate my asshole at the same time because I have only one functional hand.

I couldn’t give my man a nice Christmas assfucking due this problem. I’m about to freak out! Please, help me! My case is too specific for Google.

I suspect I would remember your earlier message, but I’m not sure offhand from just what you’ve said here. If you find your previous message in our archives, feel free to send a link to me and I can cross-link or tag them so that readers can easily follow the full conversation across posts.

Definitely don’t use an anesthetic lube, as that will only mask any pain, not prevent the root issue of muscle tightness/cramping. And where there’s pain, there’s risk of injury as a result of those tight muscles. What you need is a way to relax and warm up your muscles instead.

While it sounds like you’re experienced with anal sex at this point, you might want to go back to the early stages of anal training for solo play on your own and as warmup before sex. Lie on your side and rub your clit or use a vibrator on it while rubbing across and around your anus with a finger from your other hand and try to relax your anal muscles as you do so, then slip your finger inside as you feel ready to do so, and keep gradually going up in size from there. If smaller sizes cause you no trouble, try working around the edge of where larger sizes cause difficulty and discomfort. Even without such a medical condition, everyone has some anal muscles they can learn to consciously control and others that are involuntary, so while it may be more difficult for you, there may still be some benefits to working on this more often. Read our new anal training guide for more details on this topic if needed.

Depending on how much warmup you do before sex, you may need to do the above before you start a session, as well as rubbing your clit while your husband performs oral sex on your ass to further help it relax.

For clitoral stimulation during anal masturbation, you might look for a clitoral vibrator that attaches and stays in places so you don’t need to hold it. Venus butterfly vibrators and others similar to this sit in place over your pussy with bands that go around your legs to hold it there so it can keep vibrating against your clit hands-free.

Similarly, a dildo with a suction cup can help you to masturbate hands-free while you have one hand on your clit and ride up and down on a dildo without needing to hold it.

Finally, a doctor may be able to suggest exercises to help with pelvic floor muscle tightness or spasms, and may be able to prescribe muscle relaxers as well. I am not a doctor, a while I can offer suggestions on adapting certain techniques to help with people who have difficulty with tightness, discomfort or pain, I’m far from an expert on specific conditions.

I hope this is at least somewhat helpful, however, and I absolutely wish you the best in figuring out a way to effectively and consistently enjoy anal sex to the full extent of what you want. Do please feel free to follow up if you have more questions or updates.

I’ve also sent this post to someone from the Anal Only Lifestyle Discord server who can provide more perspective and a more detailed answer regarding your condition, and they will be responding in the comments of this post, so be sure to check back there as well.

Merry Christmas! For years, we’ve been answering questions about anal sex and the anal only lifestyle and giving advice to countless people through this blog, and that’s never going to change! But, while manually migrating nearly 1,900 posts off Tumblr to the new version of this blog, it became clear that many of the same questions got answered over and over again over the years.

To prevent redundant posts going forward, we’re happy to announce a new section on this blog, accessible via the Guide link in the menu at the top of each page, Anal Sex Advice & Guide to the Anal Only Lifestyle. Broken into a number of key topics, this page attempts to answer in detail most of the frequently asked questions about anal training, myths about anal sex, hygiene and enemas, types of lubricant, butt plug and dildo recommendations, how to have anal sex for the first time, how to have anal orgasms, how to go anal only and why one might want to do so, dating and finding new partners for an anal only relationship, and more.

More topics will be added in time, and more details will be added to pages as relevant additions come up or are recommended. If you see anything missing or that you believe is incorrect or should be amended, please feel free to send a message or leave a comment on this post and let us know.

Asstronaut: I have currently been with my girlfriend for 6 years. At the beginning of our relationship we had one amazing anal experience(her first) she had an orgasm so intense she said her toes went numb…. The sounds she made…. On the other side of the coin, I had purchased her a tail plug which caused her a lot of pain. Long story short, after seeing that I had hurt her I didn’t ask again until last month. She is very receptive… But it’s been so long(almost 6 years)and her ass feels better than anything I’ve ever experienced in MY LIFE that I can not last any longer than it takes to get the head of my cock past her inner ring. The moment that I’m inside of her I cum….. Stamina is only an issue when we have anal. Any ideas?

I’ll start by saying that while anal certainly shouldn’t hurt and definitely doesn’t have to, encountering a painful experience once doesn’t mean you should just end it altogether. Pain means someone simply isn’t warmed up enough or prepared for what they’re doing, or the plug in question may have been an uncomfortable shape for her. Going forward, if there’s pain I’d say to stop and reassess in the moment but not give up on anal entirely.

Getting to your question, however, I suspect that it’s a combination of extreme tightness for her and your excitement about getting anal again. That excitement is understandable, and there’s not too much you can do about that, but the tightness you can work on together with some anal training and helping her better relax and open up for you. If it’s taking effort to get inside her, she could probably stand to have some more training and warmup before sex to help her relax.

If it really is just that it feels so much intensely better than anything else you’ve ever done, you may need to practice more to build up that stamina, which can mean more regular anal sex. Perhaps start with a lot of anal play for her and get her close to the edge, then switch out for yourself and finish there while getting her off at the same time, and over time work to last longer.

See also this past answer to a similar question: How to Last Longer With Anal

Perhaps some other readers could offer their suggestions as well.

Anonymous: I’m a virgin in both senses and I’ve tried to masturbate using my vag but I never can reach orgasm even when playing with my clit. How ever doing anal really excites me is there any tips of how to start trying anal?

With anal you’ll want to use some sort of lubrication, whether saliva, vaginal juices, or actual commercial sexual lubricant of some sort. (There are many options out there, and it’s very much personal preference as for which is “best”.)

Start slowly, with a finger, and just massage gently around and across the outside at first. When you feel yourself relax and maybe even start to open up slightly, gently press your finger into your ass and let it slide in slowly, then gradually in and out. Explore from there and adjust your pace depending on your comfort. If something hurts, slow down or back off. Add another finger as you feel comfortable and ready to do so.

From there, once you’ve gotten 3 or so fingers in and can comfortably masturbate with them, you might look into toys like butt plugs and dildos for your ass.

Just remember: lube, start slowly, and if something hurts, you’re trying to go too big or too fast and need to work up to that point from something smaller and slower first.

Anonymous: What’s the best way to introduce your female partner ( who is interested in anal just a bit scared) to the pleasures of anal?

Communicate and start slowly. Don’t try to go straight to anal sex, start with rimming, gentle rubbing externally along with clit stimulation, and fingering and small toys. Build from there at a pace she’s comfortable with. If something hurts or gets uncomfortable for her, back off and go slower or smaller for a while before trying again.

There are a lot of other good anal advice posts on this blog which you can read in the Anal Advice category.

Anonymous: I have vaginismus (a really tight pussy too tights to have sex or it hurts a lot) and my doctor had my try stretching it out and I tried but it just hurts so bad and turns me off more every time, so she suggesetd I try anal instead. I found your blog when I was looking, and it sounds great if people really do anal only, any tips? I’ve fingered my ass some and I like it more than my pussy.

Anal has proved a welcome option for a lot of women with vaginismus over the years, and it’s great to see that it’s being encouraged as a serious alternative to vaginal. We in the anal only community often come from adopting anal as the primary form of sex by choice because it’s better than vaginal, and it is, but it also can provide an outlet for pleasure and intimacy for women incapable of having vaginal, and that’s wonderful.

It sounds like you’re on the right track by starting slow and exploring with your fingers. Keep doing that, be sure you’re using some sort of lube, and start to add more fingers. From there, start with a dildo or a vibrator and gradually work up further in size as you’re comfortable and ready for something bigger. Butt plugs are also good for a more passive approach, and you can wear them in your ass while masturbating clitorally or even while doing other things.

I’d suggest only trying anal sex with a partner once you’re comfortable using a similarly sized dildo and are confident you’re ready and can do it without pain.

Anonymous: My Fiancé and i really want to try stretching out my ass and you seem to be knowledgeable about these things. Ive done a little research on my own but I’d like to see what tips, cautions, and thoughts you have on going about this.

If you’re just starting out and want to stretch/train it for anal sex, start with a finger and work up in size from there. If you’re already experienced with anal sex and want to go bigger, the same basic principles apply.

Essentially, increase in small size increments, generally no more than 1/4″ diameter at a time, warm up through smaller sizes before jumping to the larger sizes, and stop for at least a few days if you become particularly sore or if there’s any bleeding.

Feel free to follow up if you have any more specific questions!