Tag: 20180705

A woman struggles with a shift to anal only after her boyfriend tells her he only did vaginal to please her but doesn’t enjoy it himself.

Message: Boyfriend Did Vaginal Just To Please Me, But Hates It, Part 4

Hi, it’s the girl you tagged 20180705 again. Nearly one month after my latest ask, I thought it was time to give you some feedback. We’re still anal only, my boyfriend is very happy, and he’s getting me more involved into the lifestyle: he gifted me some backless panties and a jewel butt plug to wear, and sometimes he talks about us getting tattoos. Our sex life really changed: before it was mostly routine with mediocre length, now it’s much more frequent and either longer or much shorter.

Actually, he does a lot of quickies now, which he never did before: mostly before we have to go outside or before friends come over, he directly fucks my ass with both of us barely undressed and little foreplay, then plugs me. It doesn’t affect the frequency of longer sessions, so I don’t mind and it actually turns me on. In fact, my view on sex has changed completely: before, it was just something that happened once in a while, and I otherwise didn’t think about it all that much.

Now, I’m sort of obsessed with it. Wearing very often the butt plug and backless panties play a role, of course, but sex is always on my mind anyway. It probably changes how I behave and dress: at work or with friends, I get a lot of “you’re very sexy today” that I didn’t get before. I guess it’s all related to the fact I just can’t cum anally yet: at every intercourse, I feel I’m very very close, but it just never happens. The strangest thing is, I’m not frustrated any more, I’m sort of hooked.

It’s like I’m flooded with hormones that make me horny, and I became addicted to the sensation itself. It’s weird and I don’t know if I make myself clear. I thought a lot about what you said, that there’s nothing wrong with submission so long as it’s my choice, and that acting like my boyfriend wants me to act “retrains” my brain and what I enjoy, to eventually cause pleasure and a refocus on other areas.

You’re basically one of the only persons I talk to about this, since I wanted my boyfriend to be 100% comfortable with it and think I was 100% OK with being anal only, without any doubt. My gay friend talked about what I said to him to his husband, who apparently talked about it to my boyfriend: we spent an evening at their place, and to my surprise the subject naturally came during conversation, and was talked about all evening in embarrassing details.

I was sort of mortified (and my friend too, since we’re both the “receivers”), but my boyfriend seemed to really love openly talking about it, and it was sort of fun and instructive. I admit it also turned me on to some extent.

I guess my main problem is the sensation of losing control, and not knowing where this is all heading. I don’t know if I can keep up with not orgasming at all, but I really dislike the idea of using clitoris stimulation in his presence, and I don’t want to come in secret.

Thanks for the update! It sounds like you’ve really settled into the anal only lifestyle very well as well as successfully incorporated clitoral and orgasm denial into your personal routine.

While it can certainly be a challenge at first for most people to start orgasm denial, because orgasms are a very powerful addiction, it’s not at all uncommon for people to discover with time just how much they enjoy an ongoing state of arousal and its associated pleasures far more than the short burst of pleasure from an orgasm.

That said, there’s nothing wrong with orgasms either for those who enjoy and want them, and with more time you may discover the ability to orgasm from anal as well.

Message: Boyfriend Did Vaginal Just To Please Me, But Hates It, Part 3

Hi, it’s the girl you tagged 20180705 again, I didn’t answer for two weeks because my boyfriend and I were on vacation. I thought a lot during those vacations (and we fucked a lot, too), and I realized my main issue right now is less about my pleasure (which I was worried about first) than about pleasing my boyfriend. Learning that he spent four years taking care about my vagina and clitoris even though he hated them shocked me even more than I thought it did initially (and that was a LOT).

Both to regain my pride as a woman and to reward his dedication, I realize I sort of feel like I must repay him with at least four years of anal sex only, to make him feel good, and to simply see if it works for me. In fact, to me, it’s like I let him down, and I’m looking to seduce him again. I know it may seems like I’m submitting to him (but hey, he did submit to me all those years), but to me, it’s the opposite, learning how to turn him on and make him crazy with lust for me is empowerment.

I think people will get that sort of impression of submission to him at the expense of what you want, but ultimately it sounds like that’s not how you see it and in fact are enjoying this change. And even if it were a form of submission, there’s nothing wrong with submission so long as it’s your choice and gives you what you ultimately need. (And sometimes what some people need is denial of their own desires and a focus on pleasing their partner instead. There’s nothing wrong with that dynamic if it’s what works for you.)

Does this make sense to you? To that end, I’m still “exercising” my ass in secret with my “almost my boyfriend’s” dildo, wearing lingerie a lot more often, taking attitudes and poses during sex that STRONGLY suggest I’m craving anal sex, I’m more verbal during sex, I’m entirely ignoring my vagina and pussy (including in private while I “exercise”, like you and my gay friend suggested), and I even fingered my ass then licked my fingers in front of my boyfriend, which turned him crazy.

Sounds like you’ve gotten your routine down and pretty well figured out. Acting like you love and crave and need anal, both to him and to yourself, has the added benefit of ultimately making you love and crave and need it for yourself, so that’s really a good way to sort of “retrain” your own thinking about it too.

I also never fail to compliment him after sex, which isn’t very hard for me, because like my friend foretold, the more I do all those things, the better he gets as a lover: more passionate, tender, harder, hotter, more creative, etc. He’s also more assertive in general, even outside of sex, which is very rewarding to me. The only thing is, before, he always waited for me to have an orgasm before ending sex, and now, he basically stops after he cums, like my orgasms are irrelevant.

I’m not sure why exactly. In fact, since we’ve had “that talk” more than three months ago, I haven’t had a single orgasm, which started to weigh heavily on me. The last times we’ve had sex (lately it’s generally more than once per day, before “that talk” it was about three times a week) I felt really close to come, and I may have caused it by touching my clitoris, but I avoided it both because it felt wrong, and because I actually wanted my ass fucked harder instead, which felt weird.

Even weirder, even though I felt close to orgasm those last few times and our sex stopped abruptly because he suddenly came into my ass, it didn’t feel frustrating, rather, strangely rewarding. Also, it sort of felt hot and made me look forward our next intercourse, which was oddly satisfying. I think I sort of like the idea of my boyfriend not “bothering” with me: he faked pleasure for four years, so I enjoy when it’s obvious he’s just having his own fun and not making any sort of effort.

It can take some time for a lot of women to get to where anal orgasms are a regular thing for them, especially with a lifetime of vaginal/clitoral stimulation to overcome. It can get frustrating to not orgasm for that long, but that frustration and arousal can ultimately help to make sex a lot better, and over time further develop anal stimulation into your primary source of pleasure and ultimately an outlet for orgasm as well. It sounds like it’s become less of a priority for you to desperately seek orgasm, which helps as well—trying constantly for it rather than just enjoying anal for what it is can keep you from getting there, which seems kind of counterintuitive, but orgasms are weird that way. It sounds like you’re gradually getting to the point that some anal only women find themselves at, where in time they enjoy not orgasming and enjoy the constant pleasure and anal stimulation and denial more than an orgasm, and get satisfaction out of pleasing their partner more than their own release.

So long as you are happy with the arrangement, even with its challenges for you, and are willing to go forward with it, I see no problem with that. Just remember that even if you’re consenting to it now, if ultimately this dynamic doesn’t work for you and you need it to change, that’s absolutely your right.

The original version of this post on Tumblr received the following response.

debaucherycat: This inspires me so much. I’m almost envious. And horrified at the same time.
It took me ages to find courage and ask my man to take control of my orgasms. Our current arrangement is that I get to cum on Saturdays, if I collect my „cum points“ over a week. I get them by giving pleasure to him and edging mostly. And when the day comes, he grants me an orgasm. If I’ve earned it. And if he is in the mood. And sometimes he just isn’t. Which adds a lovely twist to it. Along with me being anal only. Basically, he gets to fuck my ass or my mouth whenever he likes. And I get to edge and hope for the best.
But reading the story of that girl, who abandoned all of her pleasure for her boyfriend… Well, let’s just say, it gives me ideas. And that’s terrifying. Not so long ago orgasm denial was only an arousing idea. Something I liked to fantasize about. And now I’m living it.
Abandoning my clit for good is an arousing idea too. Maybe even more so…
I’m so fucked.

Message: Boyfriend Did Vaginal Just To Please Me, But Hates It, Part 2

Consolidating multiple asks together here again to be easier to read and respond to, and responding inline below.

Hi. You were kind enough to answer me, you gave me the tag 20180705. It’s nice that you worry about what I want myself, but my options are limited: the way I see it, either I quit my boyfriend and our relation (we live together), or I simply learn to enjoy anal sex more than I do currently, and accept the idea of just having anal sex from now on (which is the hardest thing for me: I like anal sex, but the idea that only my ass will be penetrated for the rest of my life is depressing to me).

Thanks for following up!

There can definitely be times where sexual differences come to that point in a relationship, where one partner has to decide whether they are willing to compromise and learn to change and come to enjoy something that may prove a difficult process to adjust to, or to end the relationship. There is no universal right answer here, and it’s going to be different for everybody.

If, long term, going anal only is what you ultimately decide on, however, I think you can very much get to the point where it’s no longer depressing to consider the idea that your pussy won’t be part of sex anymore and that you’ll be anal only going forward—it can, in fact, be sexy and exciting to think about instead.

The way my boyfriend told me he loathed vaginal sex was so clear that I’m not picturing myself begging for him to force himself (apparently, he already did all those years, and couldn’t cope with it any more).

This can definitely be an issue in a lot of relationships, where one partner is afraid to be honest about what they really need sexually and it can lead to a sort of unhealthy resentment or suppression until it comes to a head. It’s better for everyone to open and honest early on and either work it out or not.

The flip side of this, however, is your own enjoyment and needs. It’s great for him if things are out in the open from his perspective and he’s now getting what he needs, but if that’s at the expense of what you need, then it can lead to that same unhealthy suppression for you. I’m not saying it will, just that it’s something to consider and that you need to balance if you decide long term to go forward with anal only.

I’m also not really into masturbation, the few times I did it, I felt like a loser, especially during sex with a man. The distaste of my boyfriend for vaginal and clitoral sex also kind of influenced me, and lately I sort of feel repelled by this area of my body, like it betrayed me.

This is not that uncommon for a lot of women, it seems like, especially during sex. The idea of masturbating/clitoral stimulation during sex can seem sort of selfish to a lot of people and like it takes away from the intimate connection and physical sharing that’s going on. As a sort of mental re-training technique, however, it can at times be really helpful to activate anal pleasure for some women. It’s far from the only option however, and it sounds like it may not be worth it for you as you start to lose interest in vaginal/clitoral stimulation.

Since I wrote to you a few weeks ago, I’ve talked about all this to my best friend, who’s gay and married for five years now: I thought he might be a good counsellor for anal sex. To my surprise, he told me he’s 100% bottom and hasn’t had any stimulation on his cock since he met his husband, who made him wear a chastity belt for two years at the beginning of their relation. I had no idea he was into BDSM nor the submissive type since he’s very athletic, discussing this brought us a lot closer.

He told me that learning to let go of the pleasure on his cock was the best thing that happened to him, and that in his mind, his asshole was his sexual organ. He gave me a lot of advices similar to yours, including experimenting with a dildo, and told me to be very active during sex: so far, when my ass is fucked, I just relaxed and opened up and sort of let my partner move, and he told me to push my ass against my boyfriend, arch my back, squeeze my anus/rectum on his cock, talk dirty, etc.

That’s great that you were able to discover someone so close to you who you could share experiences with and discover that you’re in very close to the same situation and that it’s not actually that unusual or strange. I’m glad that his positive experiences and insights helped you.

He told me that by showing how much I enjoy anal sex, even if I fake it at the beginning, my boyfriend will feel much more confident, and “a confident lover is a good lover”. So I bought a dildo about the size of my boyfriend (he’s quite big) and “exercised”, and indeed it made me realize my ass is much more sensitive and “active” than I thought it was. I tried to apply all this when my boyfriend and I had sex lately, and he seemed extremely happy and relieved, and felt much more passionate.

I definitely suggest keeping this up, both just with some external stimulation with your fingers when you’re horny in order to start seeing your ass more as your primary pleasure source and sexual outlet and arousal trigger, and with your new dildo to further practice that and to “train” for sex more. That sensitivity, arousal and sexuality centered on your ass will continue to grow significantly as a result.

I also stopped taking the pill, because there was really no point in taking it any more, and I sort of feel like the pill had more effects on me than I thought. I feel better and a bit hornier.

Sounds like a positive step to further commit into the lifestyle and move forward anal only. As your arousal grows from that too, and the realities of being off birth control further cement anal only for you, I suspect that your attitude towards being anal only and moving away from vaginal sex and stimulation will further shift and becoming more positive. There can be a bit of the “fake it ’till you make it” aspect there too, where during the initial stages you remind yourself constantly of all the positive things about being anal only and why it’s sexy and wonderful, and it becomes your natural reaction before you know it.

Good luck! I think if you choose to, you can make being anal only an amazing thing the two of you can share.

Message: Boyfriend Did Vaginal Just To Please Me, But Hates It

Hi. My boyfriend and I have been together for four years now. He introduced me to anal sex one year after we met (and I loved it), but with time, he started to spend way more time on anal sex than on vaginal. Two months ago, after we started kissing and I sucked his cock as usual, I expected him to lick my pussy then fuck it like we do, but instead he licked my asshole (for the first time, I really liked it) then he went straight to anal sex. Since then, we only did anal.

At first I didn’t say anything, but eventually I started to feel frustrated, so I told him about it. To my surprise, he then looked really distressed, telling me that he hated vaginal sex and just couldn’t cope with it any more. He told me that for years he did it just to please me, but couldn’t do it any longer, which to me felt like a shock. He assured me that being anal only made me feel frustrated now, but with time, it’d change into horniness and pleasure. He directed me to your blog.

And what do you think about this? His needs and preferences for anal and desire to be anal only are perfectly valid (and more common than many admit to), but your needs are valid as well, and in a relationship all partners get to have a say and come to a mutually agreeable solution. So it’s good that you’re both talking more openly about this now.

It sounds like you enjoy anal a lot but perhaps don’t get as much satisfaction from it in terms of orgasms at this time, and so are frustrated as a result of that. Is that a fair assessment? Would you enjoy being anal only if you were able to orgasm more easily or often? Would it interest you to try and work towards that as a goal? Or do you want to stop being anal only and go back to vaginal or a mix of vaginal and anal?

If you would like to stick with it and simply work to make it more satisfying for you, there are a lot of things you can try. Do you currently combine clitoral stimulation with anal penetration during sex, or do you forego vaginal/clitoral stimulation entirely? A lot of anal only women still combine clit play with anal in order to orgasm, and that’s a totally valid thing to do if it’s what you want and what works for you and keeps you satisfied being anal only. Others started that way and then worked over time to move away from clitoral stimulation and focus on developing their ability to orgasm from just anal. And still others dive straight in to pure anal only with no vaginal or clitoral involvement and use their arousal and frustration over time to help get to the point where they can cum from anal (or in some cases they enjoy the frustration and denial and choose to just go without orgasms and enjoy anal pleasure on its own without needing to cum to be happy, but that may not be relevant in this case).

Combining clit play with anal to orgasm is generally pretty straightforward and easy and probably doesn’t need much explanation. Developing the ability to orgasm from anal is a bit more complex and involved and can be different for each person, but ultimately is well worth it once you can do so, and anal only orgasms are amazing. Often it just involves a lot of practice and experimentation, seeing what feels good during anal and focusing on that to try and get closer and closer to the edge, giving in and relaxing, and paradoxically, not trying too desperately to orgasm sometimes.

Do you masturbate anally as well? If you don’t, I would really encourage trying it. Being able to do it at your own pace and really take the time to see what feels good for you and where your anal pleasure points are can help to unlock anal pleasure, plus it can make anal a lot more arousing by thinking of it as a way to masturbate and get pleasure for yourself on your own and not just something your partner wants to do to you.

So, in short, if you would like to continue sticking with anal only, it’s certainly possible to move past issues of arousal, frustration and orgasm. Do feel free to follow up with more questions or share what you ultimately decide to do if you like. Apologies for the late posting, I’ve been slowly working through my accumulated questions in my inbox and trying to get to everything as quickly as I can.