Message: Boyfriend Did Vaginal Just To Please Me, But Hates It, Part 2

Consolidating multiple asks together here again to be easier to read and respond to, and responding inline below.

Hi. You were kind enough to answer me, you gave me the tag 20180705. It’s nice that you worry about what I want myself, but my options are limited: the way I see it, either I quit my boyfriend and our relation (we live together), or I simply learn to enjoy anal sex more than I do currently, and accept the idea of just having anal sex from now on (which is the hardest thing for me: I like anal sex, but the idea that only my ass will be penetrated for the rest of my life is depressing to me).

Thanks for following up!

There can definitely be times where sexual differences come to that point in a relationship, where one partner has to decide whether they are willing to compromise and learn to change and come to enjoy something that may prove a difficult process to adjust to, or to end the relationship. There is no universal right answer here, and it’s going to be different for everybody.

If, long term, going anal only is what you ultimately decide on, however, I think you can very much get to the point where it’s no longer depressing to consider the idea that your pussy won’t be part of sex anymore and that you’ll be anal only going forward—it can, in fact, be sexy and exciting to think about instead.

The way my boyfriend told me he loathed vaginal sex was so clear that I’m not picturing myself begging for him to force himself (apparently, he already did all those years, and couldn’t cope with it any more).

This can definitely be an issue in a lot of relationships, where one partner is afraid to be honest about what they really need sexually and it can lead to a sort of unhealthy resentment or suppression until it comes to a head. It’s better for everyone to open and honest early on and either work it out or not.

The flip side of this, however, is your own enjoyment and needs. It’s great for him if things are out in the open from his perspective and he’s now getting what he needs, but if that’s at the expense of what you need, then it can lead to that same unhealthy suppression for you. I’m not saying it will, just that it’s something to consider and that you need to balance if you decide long term to go forward with anal only.

I’m also not really into masturbation, the few times I did it, I felt like a loser, especially during sex with a man. The distaste of my boyfriend for vaginal and clitoral sex also kind of influenced me, and lately I sort of feel repelled by this area of my body, like it betrayed me.

This is not that uncommon for a lot of women, it seems like, especially during sex. The idea of masturbating/clitoral stimulation during sex can seem sort of selfish to a lot of people and like it takes away from the intimate connection and physical sharing that’s going on. As a sort of mental re-training technique, however, it can at times be really helpful to activate anal pleasure for some women. It’s far from the only option however, and it sounds like it may not be worth it for you as you start to lose interest in vaginal/clitoral stimulation.

Since I wrote to you a few weeks ago, I’ve talked about all this to my best friend, who’s gay and married for five years now: I thought he might be a good counsellor for anal sex. To my surprise, he told me he’s 100% bottom and hasn’t had any stimulation on his cock since he met his husband, who made him wear a chastity belt for two years at the beginning of their relation. I had no idea he was into BDSM nor the submissive type since he’s very athletic, discussing this brought us a lot closer.

He told me that learning to let go of the pleasure on his cock was the best thing that happened to him, and that in his mind, his asshole was his sexual organ. He gave me a lot of advices similar to yours, including experimenting with a dildo, and told me to be very active during sex: so far, when my ass is fucked, I just relaxed and opened up and sort of let my partner move, and he told me to push my ass against my boyfriend, arch my back, squeeze my anus/rectum on his cock, talk dirty, etc.

That’s great that you were able to discover someone so close to you who you could share experiences with and discover that you’re in very close to the same situation and that it’s not actually that unusual or strange. I’m glad that his positive experiences and insights helped you.

He told me that by showing how much I enjoy anal sex, even if I fake it at the beginning, my boyfriend will feel much more confident, and “a confident lover is a good lover”. So I bought a dildo about the size of my boyfriend (he’s quite big) and “exercised”, and indeed it made me realize my ass is much more sensitive and “active” than I thought it was. I tried to apply all this when my boyfriend and I had sex lately, and he seemed extremely happy and relieved, and felt much more passionate.

I definitely suggest keeping this up, both just with some external stimulation with your fingers when you’re horny in order to start seeing your ass more as your primary pleasure source and sexual outlet and arousal trigger, and with your new dildo to further practice that and to “train” for sex more. That sensitivity, arousal and sexuality centered on your ass will continue to grow significantly as a result.

I also stopped taking the pill, because there was really no point in taking it any more, and I sort of feel like the pill had more effects on me than I thought. I feel better and a bit hornier.

Sounds like a positive step to further commit into the lifestyle and move forward anal only. As your arousal grows from that too, and the realities of being off birth control further cement anal only for you, I suspect that your attitude towards being anal only and moving away from vaginal sex and stimulation will further shift and becoming more positive. There can be a bit of the “fake it ’till you make it” aspect there too, where during the initial stages you remind yourself constantly of all the positive things about being anal only and why it’s sexy and wonderful, and it becomes your natural reaction before you know it.

Good luck! I think if you choose to, you can make being anal only an amazing thing the two of you can share.

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