Message: Boyfriend Did Vaginal Just To Please Me, But Hates It

Hi. My boyfriend and I have been together for four years now. He introduced me to anal sex one year after we met (and I loved it), but with time, he started to spend way more time on anal sex than on vaginal. Two months ago, after we started kissing and I sucked his cock as usual, I expected him to lick my pussy then fuck it like we do, but instead he licked my asshole (for the first time, I really liked it) then he went straight to anal sex. Since then, we only did anal.

At first I didn’t say anything, but eventually I started to feel frustrated, so I told him about it. To my surprise, he then looked really distressed, telling me that he hated vaginal sex and just couldn’t cope with it any more. He told me that for years he did it just to please me, but couldn’t do it any longer, which to me felt like a shock. He assured me that being anal only made me feel frustrated now, but with time, it’d change into horniness and pleasure. He directed me to your blog.

And what do you think about this? His needs and preferences for anal and desire to be anal only are perfectly valid (and more common than many admit to), but your needs are valid as well, and in a relationship all partners get to have a say and come to a mutually agreeable solution. So it’s good that you’re both talking more openly about this now.

It sounds like you enjoy anal a lot but perhaps don’t get as much satisfaction from it in terms of orgasms at this time, and so are frustrated as a result of that. Is that a fair assessment? Would you enjoy being anal only if you were able to orgasm more easily or often? Would it interest you to try and work towards that as a goal? Or do you want to stop being anal only and go back to vaginal or a mix of vaginal and anal?

If you would like to stick with it and simply work to make it more satisfying for you, there are a lot of things you can try. Do you currently combine clitoral stimulation with anal penetration during sex, or do you forego vaginal/clitoral stimulation entirely? A lot of anal only women still combine clit play with anal in order to orgasm, and that’s a totally valid thing to do if it’s what you want and what works for you and keeps you satisfied being anal only. Others started that way and then worked over time to move away from clitoral stimulation and focus on developing their ability to orgasm from just anal. And still others dive straight in to pure anal only with no vaginal or clitoral involvement and use their arousal and frustration over time to help get to the point where they can cum from anal (or in some cases they enjoy the frustration and denial and choose to just go without orgasms and enjoy anal pleasure on its own without needing to cum to be happy, but that may not be relevant in this case).

Combining clit play with anal to orgasm is generally pretty straightforward and easy and probably doesn’t need much explanation. Developing the ability to orgasm from anal is a bit more complex and involved and can be different for each person, but ultimately is well worth it once you can do so, and anal only orgasms are amazing. Often it just involves a lot of practice and experimentation, seeing what feels good during anal and focusing on that to try and get closer and closer to the edge, giving in and relaxing, and paradoxically, not trying too desperately to orgasm sometimes.

Do you masturbate anally as well? If you don’t, I would really encourage trying it. Being able to do it at your own pace and really take the time to see what feels good for you and where your anal pleasure points are can help to unlock anal pleasure, plus it can make anal a lot more arousing by thinking of it as a way to masturbate and get pleasure for yourself on your own and not just something your partner wants to do to you.

So, in short, if you would like to continue sticking with anal only, it’s certainly possible to move past issues of arousal, frustration and orgasm. Do feel free to follow up with more questions or share what you ultimately decide to do if you like. Apologies for the late posting, I’ve been slowly working through my accumulated questions in my inbox and trying to get to everything as quickly as I can.

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