The idea that anal sex always hurts is a common myth, not unlike the idea that vaginal intercourse always hurts the first time. Neither of these is true.

The truth is that if you’re doing it right, no sex should ever hurt unless you want it to. By doing it “right,” I don’t just mean the right technique. Doing it right also means paying attention to your body and knowing how to respond when you notice a change in how sexual stimulation is feeling.

If you’re feeling unwanted pain or discomfort, it’s a good sign that you need to slow down, stop or switch up what you’re doing.

As for anal sex, it’s true that a lot of people do experience some pain or discomfort the first time they have it or the first time they have it with a new partner. That’s mostly due, however, to a lack of communication, cooperation and often not enough lubrication. It isn’t because there is something inherent to anal sex that means it has to hurt.

Continue Reading

There’s so much misinformation about anal sex that one of the biggest obstacles to enjoying your first anal sex experience is everything you’ve heard about it before you have it.

Let’s start with one thing that is true:  anal sex isn’t a necessary part of anyone’s sex life.  You can have an amazing sexual life without ever exploring anal sex.  The one and only reason to try anal sex is because you want to.

Of course you can’t know for sure if you’ll like it without trying it.  But if you’re only considering it because your partner really wants you to or because everyone you know seems to be having it, then don’t bother.

I would soften that last statement somewhat—there’s nothing wrong with trying it because other people you know are doing it or have encouraged you to try it too, so long as you don’t feel pressured to do it against your will and are yourself curious about it as well.

Continue Reading

petoetertje: Hi, I am petoetertje from Fetlife. I want to add something to the debate if frequent anal sex can cause incontinence. Frequently people are thinking that somehow they will loose the ability to uphold stool. The most important continence muscle for solid stool is the puborectalis muscle. It’s a muscle sling situated at the turn from rectum to sigmoid colon. It pinches off the sigmoid colon much like you would pinch off a garden hose to prevent water flowing. So no risks involved there…

Quite right, but even the anal sphincter muscles themselves aren’t damaged or weakened simply having anal sex. A lot of people seem to think that over time they’ll end up with a permanent gaping anus, which simply doesn’t happen.

Anonymous: My wife and I really enjoy anal sex. We’ve been having it about once a week for the last couple of years. My wife says she would like to have it more, but she’s afraid it will cause her problems later. Of course I would love to have anal every time we have sex. Is there information I can give her to reassure her anal sex won’t cause problems later?

I have a lot of anecdotal evidence from conversations with people who have been doing anal for a long time, including couples who have been anal only together for 30+ years, and who have experienced no long-term issues as a result.

The anal sphincter muscles are naturally tight and closed when relaxed, and that remains the case even after extensive use and stretching. Using muscles strengthens them, and that’s the case with anal as well. It also increases their elasticity/flexibility, which makes it easier to relax and open up quickly, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s still tightly closed when not in use, and can also be manually tightened through conscious control at any point. There are also exercises that can be done, just like kegel exercises, which target anal muscles and strengthen them further.

Another common concern is anal prolapse, but there’s no evidence that anal sex causes prolapse. It’s generally a preexisting condition that would develop on its own in the rare cases where it happens. What is most commonly shown in porn isn’t true prolapse, it’s the result of having very strong pelvic floor muscles and pushing out while simultaneously having a very open and relaxed anus, and is very much a conscious and deliberate thing rather than true “medical condition” level anal prolapse, which happens more uncontrollably, is very rare, and is not the result of anal sex/play.

Anal fissures can be a risk, but are easily mitigated by being conscious and the recipient listening to their body and stopping to reassess if something hurts, using enough lube, and warming up properly. Having anal sex more often, in fact, makes this and other sorts of injuries far less likely because the recipient remains far more constantly warmed up and ready for anal sex, which makes the entire process easier and requiring of less preparation.

So, yes, it’s quite safe to do it as often as she’s physically comfortable with, and the more often you do it, the more she’ll be physically comfortable with. Maybe try starting by going to twice a week for a month, then three times a week, and keep gradually increasing the frequency you do anal until you’re doing it every time, but at a slower pace so that she has time to adjust and assess and get comfortable with the idea and realize it’s not hurting her.

Anonymous: It really frustrates me when people talk shit about anal without knowing the truth. I hear guys and girls both saying bad things about it, saying it’s bad for you, will make you have to wear diapers, hurts or is degrading to girls, liking it means you’re gay, etc etc. I bet almost none of them have even tried it! I’m anal only because my boyfriend and me love anal and don’t want to do vaginal, it doesn’t hurt and it’s not degrading, it’s just what we love! But if I say that, they’ll mock me.

Don’t worry about what people say out of ignorance. You know that you’re right, because you’re actually experienced anal and know that it’s not just great, it’s better than vaginal. That’s the reality. Like you said, they probably haven’t even done it or have only tried it once or twice with someone who didn’t know what they were doing. People who don’t know what they’re talking about with a sexual subject will often make fun of it or spread misinformation to try and fit in with the other people who are similarly ignorant.

That said, I think it’s a great opportunity to speak out and share the reality of anal with them. Just tell them that actually, you really like anal and do it all the time, and it’s not bad, it doesn’t hurt, it’s not degrading, etc. Share your experiences and your perspective and tell them how it’s your favorite way to have sex. More often than not, you’ll get some of them interested, even the ones who mock it the most, and they might want to learn more and try it for themselves. If they do, help them discover just why anal is so much better. You have an opportunity to make a real difference with them.

alwaysanalblog: “The anus is part of both the male and female sexual system. The external anal sphincter is one of the most sensitive parts of the human body, with one of the densest concentrations of nerve endings.”

Source

Anonymous: It’s weird how some feminists claim that anal is some sort of horrible experience for women, while those same people defend gay rights and gay marriage. Why would anal be perfectly fine and healthy or even romantic when it’s between men, and some terrible thing when it involves a woman? Anal seems even more logical to me for straight women since women are biologically “designed” to take pleasure from penetration, much more so than men.

There are a lot of myths surrounding anal sex out there which many people still believe, regardless of their political views, gender, or sexuality, so if someone believes anal is a painful or degrading experience, it’s not surprising they would object to it in a variety of ways. There are also many who think that men can enjoy it while women can’t because men have a prostate, when in reality it can be enjoyed equally by men and women both. Most negative views of anal come from those who either haven’t tried it themselves or are looking through the lens of only negative experiences with inexperienced partners.

My goal is to show that anal is a universally good thing and that everyone can enjoy its superior pleasures, but they have to want to. It shouldn’t be forced onto anyone, or be some sort of unwanted obligation.

Anonymous: My girlfriend and me argue. I say anal sex is natural and she says it isn’t. Nothing new there I guess. Reading all the posts here allows me to dream of a better life and reminds me that not all women are the same.

The natural/unnatural debate can take place even between seasoned anal/anal only enthusiasts, so that’s less of an issue. I presume that she uses this argument to justify not wanting to do it, however. What is the true root of that for her? Has she tried it and not enjoyed it? Is she afraid of pain? Cleanliness? Injury? When you dig down and find the real root of the issue, you can usually find a way to work around it together.

alwaysanalblog: “Anal sex gets a bad reputation for a few different reasons. The main reason is that anal sex is often portrayed in porn as a power-dynamic with the woman being submissive to the man’s desires.

There is so much “It hurts,” “It’s gross,” “You’re a slut,” or “I only do it to please my man” dialogue. Unfortunately, anal sex isn’t something that women openly admit to trying, never mind openly admit to enjoying.

Well, you have to forget all of that. A one-sided representation of anal sex has made its way into society and stuck. There are so many benefits of anal sex – including the possibility of intense pleasure. It is also a great way to target your G-spot (in certain positions like doggy style). The power-dynamic is not necessarily a submissive one (although if you enjoy being submissive, this can work for you). The woman is often in control. And, while you might have been told that anal sex is anti-feminist, there is nothing more feminist than taking control of your own pleasure.”

Continue Reading

Anonymous: Why are there so many people in your inbox trashing anal? If you don’t like it that’s your problem. So many people are insisting that women don’t enjoy anal but that’s completely untrue, I can vouch myself! I’m seriously considering anal only!

Some people are just trolls, some people are confused or inexperienced, some people just don’t like anal and can’t imagine anyone else does either.

Most of us here know that they’re wrong, at least in the universal sense that they talk about. Sure, not all women enjoy anal, but we tend to take the optimistic approach that everyone can enjoy it if they want to put in the effort to get to that point, while people who leave such comments take the pessimistic approach that “if I don’t like it, no woman does!”

I tend to only post and respond to such comments publicly if there’s value in publicly disputing the arguments and perhaps showing an alternate point of view for the consideration of those who are on the fence on the subject.