Message: Anal Sex Made Me Feel More Like a Woman

Monica: I found this site after searching the internet to see if there were other women like me. After reading some of the stories I wanted to tell you mine.

I am a 28 year old woman and I have Vaginismus, a condition which always made vaginal sex incredibly painful for me. My husband and I were high school sweethearts. When we fooled around in high school, any penetration of my vagina was excruciating.

After we married, I could only have sex for a few minutes (on those rare occassions I could) before I had to stop. My husband was always kind and understanding, making due with blowjobs or handjobs. I always felt like a failure. Worse, I felt like less of a woman who was unworthy of this man’s love. Although my husband tried to please me by going down on me, I never even came close to orgasm. We would occassionally watch porn together until I would get so horny I would try, failing more often then succeeding, then give him a blowjob.

One video we watched had a couple having anal sex. I watched with excitement as the woman on the video was penetrated anally and wondered if this could be the solution we so desperately wanted. I told my husband I wanted to try anal sex and he apprehensivly agreed. We knew enough to know it wasn’t going to be like the movie we watched. Suffering with Vaginismus, we always needed a lot of lubricant to accomplish penetration. My husband applied so much lube it was all over the bed. I laid on my back, my legs on my husband’s shoulders. He then placed the head of his penis against my ass. I took a couple of deep breaths and signaled him to continue. As he applied more pressure I felt my ass relax as he began entering me. I’m not going to lie, there was a little pain, but nothing like the pain I experienced during vaginal sex. After several minutes I became aware my husband was no longer sliding into me. I looked at him, afraid he was not enjoying the experience, and told him it was okay to keep going. That’s when he said he was all the way in. Then it happened. The thought that my husband was fully inside me for the first time and I felt almost no pain caused me to experience my first orgasm. As I began to orgasm, my ass began to tighten and loosen around him. I could feel his penis pulse as my husband experienced his own orgasm. As our mutual orgasms began to subside, he began to remove his penis. I told him not to. I actually told him I never wanted him to remove it. My husband, ever the joker, said he thought it might make social events a little awkward. To which we both had to laugh. He leaned over and we began to kiss. Within minutes I could feel his penis begin to harden, still inside me. Then he began slow, gentle thrusts as we gazed into each others faces, eyes locked on each other. I had never felt so loved or connected to this man as I did now. Within minutes we were both experiencing another orgasm. I never felt more like a woman than I did in this moment, fully pleasing my husband, and being fully pleased by him.

For the next couple of months we made up for lost time. We had sex every chance we had. We had sex all over the house. We tried every position we could get our bodies into. The more anal sex we had the better it got.

That was nine years ago. We never attempted vaginal sex again. While so many of the couples we know have stagnant sex lives, we usually have sex five times a week. My husband and I feel incredibly connected. In a way, we credit my Vaginismus for our incredible sex life and incredible marriage.

Although many women with Vaginismus may find anal sex just as painful, I believe there are many who could benefit as I did by having an open mind and trying anal sex.

Thanks for sharing your story. I’m sorry that vaginal sex caused such a struggle in your sex life and your relationship with your husband in the past, but I’m so glad to hear that you were able to discover anal sex and enjoy the anal only lifestyle going forward from there.

Anal can be a gamechanger for many women with vaginismus and similar conditions. While, as you note, sometimes it can affect anal as well, more often than not anal is significantly easier to enjoy than vaginal, as you discovered. I’ve talked with numerous women over the years with similar stories, who had struggled with sex and intimacy due to vaginal discomfort or pain, and who found that going anal only and excluding vaginal penetration entirely provided the pleasure, sexual expression, and intimacy they’d been missing.

While there are absolute benefits to going anal only for almost everyone, it’s very obviously advantageous in circumstances like yours where vaginal sex is actively painful and essentially impossible to do with any sort of enjoyment. Hopefully, with the growing shift towards anal positivity and openness, doctors begin recommending anal as the alternative rather than women continuing to suffer through painful vaginal sex, or undergoing surgery for something unnecessary when anal is a better option anyway.

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