Message: Getting Into Anal Only, But Boyfriend Too Aggressive

Anonymous: I’m having a problem. My bf and I recently started doing anal only. I was getting into it and honestly I like anal, but my bf seems to be under the impression that AO means he can just flip me and fuck my ass. No foreplay, no warm up, just enough time to get the lube! I’ve tried to tell him it’s not cool, but he says AO means nothing but the ass. Can a girl get a little support here?

For almost everyone, especially starting out, anal requires warmup. That can be fingering, toying, wearing a butt plug while making out or giving/receiving oral, etc. Few people can or want to regularly go straight to a cock in the ass without any foreplay. It can work sometimes, or can be hot in fantasy, but most people need to warm up first.

Anal only, in the general sense, is shorthand for “no vaginal penetration”. Oral and other sexual activities not related to vaginal penetration are still very much a part of most anal only couples’ sex lives. Many will incorporate cunnilingus still, but some who exclude that will instead do rimming as foreplay. Everyone has a slightly different personal interpretation, and that’s fine, but there’s certainly nothing excluding anything but vaginal penetration from the concept.

You need to talk with him and make sure he understands that while you’re happy to be anal only with him and would like to keep doing so, you need some foreplay and warmup in order for anal to be enjoyable for you. You’re an awesome girlfriend who is willing and happy to do this with him, and if he’s not willing to incorporate foreplay—which, let’s be clear, is not some boring chore, but a variety of other fun sex acts—into your pre-anal routine, he’s frankly not someone who should be having anal sex. Anal can be awesome for everyone, but it comes with more responsibility on the person penetrating to ensure their partner enjoys it and doesn’t get hurt.

Good luck! I hope you’re able to work it out and continue having a fun anal only sex life.

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