Message: Wife Incredibly Excited By Anal, But Gets Scared

Anonymous: When my wife and I watch porn together, she gets incredibly excited as soon as some butt play comes into it… She wants to take me back there but every time I get more than 2 fingers up her she gets scared and stops… Any ideas how to calm her down and make it easier?

Talk with her about it. What specifically is she scared of? Is she scared it will hurt? (Does it start to hurt? If it does, then stopping or backing off to less fingers for a little while is the right move.) Is she scared it will be messy? Is she scared she’ll be injured or become loose/incontinent? These are all things that can be talked about and avoided (and becoming incontinent is a myth except in very rare or extreme cases).

Tell her that you share her interest in anal and that you’ll go at whatever pace she needs to in order to be comfortable and can feel confident that she can experience anal play and eventually anal sex painlessly and with pleasure. Don’t even put full anal sex on the table yet, just say you’d like to continue exploring anal play for now and work up in size gradually. Try to make anal play a regular part of sex. A finger or two during oral, rubbing externally during vaginal in certain positions, or even some fingering during vaginal. If she expresses interest in continuing to explore further, you might at some point get a few small toys to use as well.

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