Article: Sex That You Will Never Have, Under Any Condition

I have enjoyed receiving anal sex. Not regularly, but as something on the menu, yes. My lover of the last 12 months, and this just came up, has told me that he has never had anal sex and never will. Like ever. At all. Given how often I have done this (I’m 29), it’s not that big of a thing, but he has been very clear, and I don’t think “never” means “only a few times a year.” I asked why, and he said “fecal matter.” So, trying to be can-do about this all, I suggested we get a toy he could use on me, and he rejected this too. I offered to make sure there was no fecal matter. He still said no. I think there will be no budge here. I don’t think I like this, but it seems like a stupid thing to end a relationship over. — Name withheld by request

Dear Anal Avenger: Is it? One thing he should get credit for: honesty. He didn’t shilly-shally or equivocate in any way. Consequently, there is no, nor should there be, assumption of any give. Any questions after that might be answered, but that’s a maybe and not a must.

Like Sam-I-Am and his dislike of green eggs and ham, dunning him for an entire lifetime to stick something, anything, in your rear end is an unseemly chore. And, unlike the book, he may still be unlikely to yield in the end. Now, I imagine if your relationship is perfect in every other way, this might seem to be a stupid trade; however, people with relationships that are perfect in every other way rarely write to me.

So while you haven’t asked me a specific question, I will give you a specific answer: A good/great sex life seems to be all about a willingness to engage and embrace your partner in their totality, and this is not that. If you were going to try to cajole him, you might tell him that at least you weren’t suggesting sticking something up his butt, but I don’t even suggest doing this. Instead, I think you do like The Floaters once sang and just “float … float on.” Life’s too short to spend it not getting the sex you want.

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