People have been having anal sex since the beginning of time (or at least since ancient Rome), but 2014 is the year we finally started talking about it — and it’s really important that we did.

We may say it’s enough to just let everyone do whatever they want in their own bedrooms. But silence can breed ignorance, and ignorance makes it much easier for completely normal sexual preferences or desires to become stigmatized. In turn, the people who engage in them become marginalized. Open discourse has the power to change that.

Despite 2008 data that found that 36% of women and 44% of men ages 25–44 had tried anal with an opposite sex partner (not to mention those with same sex partners), the taboo seems to have only started thawing this year. The first sign of this trend was in the media, with the emergence of such pieces as theDaily Dot’s “The 5 Most Ridiculous Myths About Anal Sex” and New York Magazine’s evocatively titled piece, “Warning: A Column on Butt Play.” 

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In my world view, sex is communication.

By that token, any way we can communicate with our beloved is a blessing. Whether it’s traditional sex, oral sex, massage, cuddling—or even that deep, dark taboo of anal sex. There’s a reason why anal sex is often considered less than palatable: besides the obvious unsanitary (but necessary) function of the anus, even the word sounds icky.

However, incorporating the whole of our bodies into our acts of intimacy only serves to deepen the bond we share with our partner. So, if you’re willing and in the mood, open your mind, relax your body, and let’s take a look at what anal sex can offer you and your partner.

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mywifesbuttdrivesmenuts: So I’m kinda at a point where I can’t even get fully hard unless there’s some kind of anal involved. We’ve done anal sex a few times but only seems to work out when she’s drunk. She loves when I eat her ass, finger and she’s down with toys and stuff but when I kinda press my enthusiasm for her ass, it’s liked she’s offended and thinks I have a problem. How do I get her past this? I love everything about her but her asshole just gets me rock hard like no other. We’re 30 and married 8 years. Thnx

Is it that she is only willing to try anal when she’s drunk, or that that’s the only time she’s able to enjoy it? The former would suggest she has some inhibitions against it that alcohol helps to reduce, while the latter suggests she needs to relax more.

As I suggest to most everyone, work to make anal stimulation incredibly pleasurable for her. Keep on eating and fingering her ass, and experiment with situations where she’s wearing a butt plug while receiving other stimulation (oral, vaginal). Give her lots of orgasms while her ass is being stimulated in some way. Don’t rush into anal sex, build up to it. Work towards her being able to comfortably fit multiple fingers and toys similar in size to your penis before trying again. When you do have anal sex, she should use a butt plug before to warm up. Anal penetration should not be in any way painful—you should have warmed up enough before that the muscles are more relaxed and accustomed to being open.

But that’s only one side of things, and it seems like she also views anal as abnormal. Good experiences are one way to overcome that for some people, but that may not be enough. When you do have anal play or sex, compliment her ass and tell her how much you love it. Don’t be pushy, just be positive and try to do everything you can to make any anal experiences you have together very enjoyable for her. Over time she may change her mind.